My aunt asked my cousins and I to each write a letter to our grandmother to honor the ninth anniversary of her death. I was hesitant to write mine because I knew it would be read out loud. Now I don’t mind sharing it with you all because as I was writing it/crying like I did nine years ago, I realized that missing someone is a strong feeling we all share. And facing that is one of both the hardest and most invigorating things I’ve come to experience.
Dear Nanay,
Where do I even begin? I can’t really remember the girl I was nine years ago. I can hardly remember the girl I was three years ago. But I do remember what it was like when you left. I wouldn’t be the young woman I am today if it weren’t for you. I know that now, and I knew it would be so back then. When you left, I saw so many people affected by your absence. I realized that meant you had a significant presence. People loved you. People still love you. Even I am crying still as I write this. Nine years have passed and you still hold a place with me in my everyday.
You left at a pretty pivotal point in my life. I’ve done so much in these past nine years. I hope I make you proud. Some people say I do some pretty amazing things. I just always want to do better. For you. You left a great legacy, Nanay. I just really, really, really hope we’re all making you proud.
I want to thank you for being so influential to the people in my life. My aunts, my uncles, my cousins … and especially my mom and my brother. Thank you for raising my mom to be as strong as you. All I ever want to do is make her happy, so thank you Nanay for teaching me at a young age to love and respect your mother, and thank you for being her rock all those years when my brother and I were growing up. Thank you for taking care of my baby brother. The first time I ever saw him really cry was when we had to say goodbye to you, and I know it was because you meant so much to him. He’s my best friend, and I am forever grateful for the role you played in helping to shape him into the honorable young man he is today.
You could say you missed a lot these past nine years. My middle school and high school graduation, my sending off to college, and within the next year, my graduation from UC Berkeley. I’m even going to be living in Italy for these next six months. You could say you’re missing a lot … but I know you’re watching. You just have a better view.
“And I’m sure the view from Heaven
beats the hell out of mine here.
And if we all believe in Heaven,
maybe we’ll make it through one more year.”I love you, Nanay. Forever and always.
‘Til we meet again,
Kat Kat
You won’t be coming back,
and I didn’t get to say goodbye.
I really wish that I could say goodbye …
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